No, everyone should not get a medal in youth sports

The real value is in losing sometimes. But having some fun while doing it.

Recently I’ve been sharing some photos of my daughter Ruth, 5, in her gymnastics classes on social media. People are stunned that I let her do gymnastics. Why? It’s fun!

For anyone here who reads this Substack because of my open schools advocacy/Covid “heresy”, and is not aware of my gymnastics past - here it is in a nutshell:

1. I was an elite gymnast as a child in the 1980’s

2. I was the 1986 National Champion and a 7 time national team member between 1981-1988

3. In 2008, I wrote a memoir about the abusive culture in gymnastics (“Chalked Up”) and then produced a documentary film about the same, in 2020 (“Athlete A”)

The coaching culture in gymnastics is unfathomably cruel and abusive. That doesn’t mean there aren’t great coaches. And I was lucky enough to have one of those from ages 10-13. She coached me to a spot on the Junior National Team and did so while caring for me as a whole human being, a child with emotional development needs beyond the sport.

Lolo, as we called her, never yelled or called me names, never weighed me or commented on my appearance, always provided encouragement and just seemed pretty proud all the time. She even urged me to take days off (I trained 5-6 days a week by the time I was 10) to do kid stuff.

But Lolo had high expectations - conveyed respectfully and encouragingly and often with hugs - and I wanted to meet them. She made me believe I could.

She met each athlete where they were. Some she pushed harder, if they didn’t seem to want to work too hard. Some, like me, she urged to take it a little easy because I would have spun myself into the ground. She treated each athlete as an individual, with her own talents, weaknesses and needs. That’s great coaching.

Unfortunately it all went south for me after I left her club for a more draconian coaching environment. More on that another day…

The widespread coaching methodology in gymnastics - one that has been in play and furthered by USA Gymnastics (the governing body of the sport) since I can remember (early 70’s?) involves and normalizes: forced dieting and extreme calorie restriction, multiple times a day weigh-ins, fat-shaming, training on serious injuries including broken bones, bullying and belittling young athletes (“you’re a fat pig!” “I don’t coach fat gymnasts!” “You’re lazy garbage and I wouldn’t have to yell at you if you just tried!” “You call that a try, that’s a quitter’s try!) and on and on.

And yes, in some cases, far too many, there is sexual abuse. Best illustrated by the case of Larry Nassar, the doctor for Team USA who sexually abused hundreds of athletes and will now spend the rest of his life in prison. Another notable sexual abuser from the sport - Don Peters, the 1984 Olympic Team coach.

Still, my daughter loves gymnastics and I love watching her love it. What could be more fun, at 5 years old, than jumping on a trampoline, running as fast as you can then hurling your little body into a foam pit, flipping and flying through the air, without fear of meeting the ground in an unfortunate injurious manner? Nothing, as far as I’m concerned.

In fact, I described the way it felt to do gymnastics as a child in my book as follows: “I felt unfettered and invincible.” And my 53-year-old body misses that feeling still.

That feeling of invincibility came before coaches stopped considering my well-being, and only cared about Team USA berths and their own reputation as “winning” coaches. At which point I felt very fettered and very broken.

A few nice readers have written me to ask what to look for in a coach and gymnastics training environment. While I’m no expert - not sure what the certification for that would even be - I’m about as close as it comes as a former elite athlete, coach and parent of four. So I’ll try to offer some advice to parents and coaches here. And it applies to all youth sports, not just gymnastics.

First, before I get to my list, let me say, I’m a big believer in youth sports. At their best, formal programs - recreational or competitive - should build healthy minds and bodies, self-esteem, teach the value of hard work in striving towards mastery, teach children about a “growth mindset” - the idea that skills and abilities improve over time with hard work and perseverance, even if - especially if - you struggle some along the way.

But all too often, adults involved in youth sports - coaches, administrators, and even parents - can forget that the goal is to use sport to contribute to raising happy, healthy adults. Those in charge can forget how fragile children are, both physically and emotionally. They are in our care for a short time, and it is our job, collectively, to help build them into emotionally healthy, fully contributing members of society. Having fun while playing sports can be a part of that process. Frankly, if my daughter Ruth is having fun doing gymnastics, that’s reason enough for her to do it.

That said, I’m not a big fan of the everyone gets a medal mentality. Because not everyone gets an A, or a raise, or a promotion either. And winning is usually not a measure of effort, but skill. And skill can come from hard work, but sometimes the other team, the opponent, is just better. They score more points. And they win. And I think learning that at 10 is better than learning it at 33, for the first time.

Sure, maybe everyone gets a medal is good for 6-year-olds. But after that, it’s part of the value of sports to learn to lose. To dust yourself off and keep trying. To know maybe you’re not the best at everything but you can still enjoy it. To know and understand not everyone wins every time. It’s ok not to be the star, you can contribute to the team. It’s ok to lose. Also, learning you can have fun even if you score fewer points, is a win win. Or lose-win, I guess. But a win!

So go ahead and keep score. But teach your kids that the score isn’t everything. And really, if we’re honest, they aren’t the best at everything they try. But they will find their thing.

Some other random thoughts to keep in mind below. Think of it as friendly advice, not a list of rules. I don’t like rules, there were too many in my youth sports experience and it had the opposite of the intended effect and I now prefer to go my own way and make my own rules. But I welcome - and sometimes give - advice. Here’s some:

1. Parents - Don’t live through your kids. If he doesn’t like baseball, so what? Find something else. And maybe it’s not even sports. The lessons cited above can also be learned through other activities. But some physical activity is necessary.

2. Parents - Talk to the coach before you enter into a program. Find out what their philosophy is about youth sports. Do they care about the child’s emotional development or do they only care about winning?

3. Parents - Watch practice sessions. Does the coach make good on her stated philosophy? Or are they empty words? Is she insulting the children? Name-calling? Pushing them beyond what seems safe?

4. Parents - Does the coach let parents watch? Or is there something to hide?

5. Coaches - Have you educated yourself on child development, beyond sports techniques? Please recognize the impact you have. They look up to you. If you berate and belittle a young athlete in your care, they will come to believe these things about themselves. And negative beliefs about oneself are very hard to unwind.

6. Coaches - Let injuries heal. Your athlete will ultimately compete longer with a healthy body. If they miss a season, so be it. Their physical health matters more than this season’s championship game.

7. Coaches - Never comment on a child’s physical appearance. EVER.

8. Parents - Back to you. Watch your child’s games/competitions. But don’t make it the center of the family’s emotional life. That puts too much weight on it. It’s too much pressure. But if you can’t watch, you’re too nervous, that also says “This is so important I can’t bare to watch.” Again, too much pressure. Watch. Be supportive. If you miss some games, that’s fine too. There is life in the family outside the child’s athletic career.

9. Parents and coaches - Celebrate the wins and the losses. Tell them you’re proud because they didn’t give up even when it was hard. Teach them to win, and lose, with grace. No tantrums upon losing, no (excessive) gloating upon winning. Tell them to thank their opponent for a good game. And move on. Make sure they know that they are not a better or worse person because of the score on the board at the end of a match.

10. Parents - Pay attention to your kid. Tell her “I love you no matter what,” for no reason. Just say it. She should never come to feel that her value is contingent on her performance in a sport. If she comes to appear anxious, withdrawn, talk to her. Ask what’s going on. You know your child. Don’t dismiss it as “she’s just serious.” There’s serious and there’s depressed, and anxious, and overwhelmed. Know the difference. Err on the side of caution. Coaches - do the same.

The likelihood of your child becoming an Olympian is about .0013%. Even if your kid gets an NCAA basketball scholarship, only about 1% of NCAA players make it to the pros. Even if your kid is the best on his soccer team and they win their divisional championship in whatever town you live in, the chances are slim to none this translates into a multi-million dollar contract with the L.A. Galaxy or a Nike endorsement deal. That’s just reality. I’m not saying don’t dream. But realize how unlikely it is.

And then remember that the real value of your child participating in sports is to build character, self-esteem, and a healthy body and mind so that they will triumph in life. And to have some fun. Because fun is an important part of life too.

Encourage all that. Don’t let stars get in your eyes. They’ll blind you and only trip up your kid in the end.