Shame can be both helpful and harmful
As with most things -- Everything in Moderation seems a useful guide.
I’ve always had a sensitive shame trigger.
Healthy doses of shame can help us adapt our behaviors, to feel remorse when we’ve behaved poorly, and drive us to correct those behaviors. A healthy dose of shame says I’ve done something bad. And helps us make amends, puts us on a better path. Toxic shame says I am bad. And robs us of self-esteem and joy.
Toxic shame is so permeating it is triggered by all manner of behavior and incident, including things that simply aren’t shame-worthy. It is internalized, self-punishing and creates a pervasive feeling of worthlessness. Sometimes instigated by very normal human behaviors and responses.
At 7, when I was on my first gymnastics team, a coach screamed at us for talking to each other during our warm up, which involved stretching and jogging around the floor exercise mat to loosen up. Chit-chat exhibited a lack of seriousness. The scolding made me feel undisciplined and lacking in self-control. I felt like a bad person for talking to my friends. I remember it still, almost 50 years later.
I felt singled out, that somehow the comment was directed at me and me alone — though he directed it at all of us. My face brightened, hot with embarrassment for being so giddy and unruly. I internalized the notion that talking during a practice — a serious undertaking even at 7-years-old in my chosen sport — exhibited a loss of control. It felt dishonorable and weak. I made sure not to talk during warm ups again. Ever. Of note, others brushed it off with a laugh, or simply assumed it didn’t apply to them.
Like I said, I’ve always had a sensitive shame trigger.
As I grew up, my shame sensitivity did not abate. It intensified. I embraced self-control and stoicism as the highest values, to be maintained at all cost.
I felt shame for human bodily functions. Eating felt shameful. As if the need for caloric intake to fuel normal human activities was an embarrassing weakness. To be hidden. Need felt shameful.
When I left gymnastics and began to eat normally (kind of), my 19 year old body ballooned. I got my period for the first time. That felt shameful. I’d lost control.
Other normal human impulses and behaviors felt shameful too. Sexual desire. I grew up in an era when no still meant yes. Young women had to say no — even if no wasn’t what you were feeling — or you were a slut.
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