A real live in-person Twitter troll!

Last night, the Frugal Muse bookstore in Darien, Illinois hosted me for a reading and Q&A for my book, Levi’s Unbuttoned. It was a lovely crowd. Except that one person.

Last night, the Frugal Muse bookstore in Darien, Illinois hosted me for a reading and Q&A for my book Levi’s Unbuttoned. It was a lovely crowd, lots of folks I’ve “known” on-line for a while now, who I got to actually meet in person for the first time. And I made some new friends too.

But the exciting part was that I had a heckler! It was the craziest thing — like a Twitter troll, come to life. On the one hand, I have to say, I respect it. She showed up, in real life, not hiding behind anonymity, to express her disgust with my views and actions surrounding public school closures during covid. On the other hand, it was somewhat difficult to maintain my cool as she wasn’t really expressing dissatisfaction in any sort of rational way, she was just calling me names including Grifter! and Loser!

How do you talk to someone respectfully who offers you no respect in return? This is my attempt:

Now, many folks accused of trolling deny trolling. They say things like — What, I was just asking a question! I thought this was an open forum for debate!? They like to end their non-question questions with the always snide Twitter fave: I’ll wait. (As in: I’ll sit here and wait for your answer which you don’t have because you’re an idiot.) Ok. Keep waiting. I’m not responding.

I find this whole approach utterly disingenuous and passive aggressive — pretending you’re not a troll when all you do is troll.

A troll deliberately tries to offend, cause trouble, attack and malign people by posting (or shouting) derogatory comments. They tend to obsessively post in response to specific people who they find “problematic.” I think they believe they are doing a service exposing the bad people. They poke and lash out when they get riled by another person’s views. They don’t ask honest questions. They simply hope to rile the person on the other end.

If you’re a troll, own it! Don’t pretend you’re just here for the conversation.

Not every on-line argument can be considered trolling; a difference of opinion can certainly lead to healthy if fiery discussion that can be invaluable in public forums. And I’m definitely in favor of this kind of robust debate and open exchange of ideas. Happy to engage! But when feedback or “questions” consist mainly of name calling, it’s pretty hard to have a substantive conversation. And that’s what this was at the bookstore, only in real life.

She lurked in the background for the first half hour or so. I thought something was up. She was hiding and tsk-ing loudly. Throwing her arms in the air for what seemed like no reason. She was filming me as I spoke. Stage whispering to her friend and collaborator. I almost stopped to ask her if she had a question. But thought better of it. So what if she posted the video? I didn’t say anything I haven’t said a million times — it’s in writing in my book, it’s been said on TV and on podcasts over and over again.

Post it! See if I care!

I suspect she was hoping I’d say something untoward that I haven’t said publicly, something I save for private conversations with people who like me. Maybe? I don’t know . . . was she hoping for a casual slip of the N-word? Was she hoping for 5G anti-vaxxer code? If so, sorry to disappoint.

Was she just hoping to make me nervous?

Ma’am, I’ve competed as a gymnast at World Championships, USA Championships and various other high level competitions . . . I’ve interviewed Gloria Steinem . . . I’ve been grilled for hours in board rooms by corporate leaders who could fairly be described as psychopaths . . . I’ve been dragged across the internet by savvier trolls than you . . . in two different decades by two different cohorts. I will not lose my cool.

It took a while for her to speak up. But eventually she couldn’t contain herself any longer. She shouted (in response to what I’m not sure, I don’t remember): We didn’t know!

(That schools could open safely? That kids weren’t at any significant risk? That children would suffer from prolonged school closures? Not sure.)

I’ll be generous and I’ll accept this for March 2020, though reluctantly. But not September 2020. And certainly not February 2021 when schools were still closed in San Francisco, where I lived.

I mostly ignored her outburst. I might have said Yeah we did but ok. Or something like that. She was then quiet but kind of rustling around behind her shelf for about twenty minutes until we got to the question portion of the evening. Then she shouted that she had a question. Great! Ask away!

You’re a grifter! You could have been a role model but you chose to grift instead!

(Not really a question.)

Well, arguably ma’am I’m the opposite of a grifter. I gave up a lot of money to make not a lot of money.

That’s what makes you a grifter! (I’m paraphrasing.)

Well now, technically, that can’t be what makes me a grifter. Grifters make money through swindling, misrepresenting themselves, their intentions. They don’t give up money to retain their integrity.

You’re a covid grifter! You wrote a book! To make money!

Well, people don’t make much money writing books, unless they’re Michelle Obama, who I am not. I made more as a corporate executive. Like way more. And I would have made more if I took the payout/hush money. Or silenced myself, then continued and became CEO.

You did it for attention!

Ok but you just said I did it for money.

Money and attention!

Ok this was going nowhere. I explained I would have gotten more attention as the CEO of Levi’s. She wasn’t having it.

You could have been a role model! You could have been a role model for women!

(By taking the payoff and staying quiet? Weird role model.)

At this point, I asked if she was done or if she had any other “questions.” She didn’t. She just shouted Grifter! a few more times and then hid in the stacks.

After the event was over and I was meeting folks, I was a little nervous she might actually take a swat at me. Like actually move in and slap me. But no, she headed for the door in a huff, spit Loser! at me and then hightailed it outta there.

A few takeaways.

I’m completely proud of how I handled myself. I asked her repeatedly to ask what she wanted to ask, and I tried to respond even though there wasn’t an actual question. I kept my cool. But eventually it was obviously pointless so I moved on and talked to the folks who wanted to be there.

I’ve been thinking about Twitter trolls and how to handle them, in the context of this encounter. I used to engage them the way I engaged this woman — the on-line version. I don’t anymore. It’s unproductive and, like this woman, they aren’t interested in an actual discussion.

I try not to block. But I’m thinking more and more that I probably should and will.

The trolls like to say: for someone who says you believe in free speech, you sure are a hypocrite blocking me!

Well, blocking you doesn’t curtail your speech. It just saves me the trouble of being called annoying names not grounded in any sort of reality. Free speech believers are under no obligation to accept being called liar, grifter, asshole, loser, murderer, racist, fat-phobe and on and on. (It’s kind of like the George Carlin Dirty Word list.)

If someone came to my front door and yelled these things at me, I’d shut the door. And any reasonable person would think that was the correct thing to do. I wouldn’t be accused of censoring a maniac on my doorstep by simply closing the door.

To my favorite trolls — you’re already muted so you’re pretty much shouting into the proverbial wind. But you may get a block soon. I’m still pondering . . .

To all those who showed up last night in Darien, Illinois . . . thank you. It was a pleasure.

My troll thought it was “boring AF” but that’s fine. We enjoyed!