An increasingly popular topic for Gen X to rail about: Why Gen Z sucks. Jodie Foster recently complained about working with Gen Z. She said in an interview with The Guardian: “They’re really annoying. They’re like, ‘Nah, I’m not feeling it today, I’m gonna come in at 10:30 a.m.’”
I think it's the constant focus on being happy all the time, as opposed to say, satisfied or contented. A constant state of happiness is impossible to attain, for anyone. We are guaranteed the right to the pursuit of happiness. We should find it and accept it in its mostly fleeting moments.
I love this. As a boomer who was raised by a mom who taught us "life isn't fair" and "no one likes a victim," I am dismayed by so much of what I see and hear today, like this recent report on her kids from a friend - "He quit the team because he wasn't having fun; she quit her job because she wasn't having fun and life's too short not to have fun. Oh, her student loans. No worries - she can live with us rent-free so she can pay them off."
I was just thinking about this. I've never understood the therapy, take care of myself first, trauma-drama, aspects of Gen X, even when growing up Gen X. We were all cool, having a great time, enjoying the 80s and 90s and the suddenly, in our late 20s, became complete self-care freaks hell bent on mothering the rest of the world to make sure they didn't feel any pain, especially the upper-middle class females that you mention in this essay. I think it was Tucker Carlson who said the entire world is now run in a way to make white, middle-aged, VC wives feel justified in their need to mommy everyone. Thing is, you gotta cut the apron strings to produce a healthy adult. I recall standing in a new-age bookstore a decade ago, surrounded by self-help books, 80% written by Gen X women going through a midlife crisis, 15% by self-proclaimed "gurus" of all flavors, probably only 5% of the bookstore contained something non-self-reflective. In our quest to improve ourselves, be perfect, put on our oxygen masks, we became terrible parents, ignoring our children's needs by making them fit into our schedules, our dreams, our desires. When they were too much work, we plopped them in front of the TV. To make up for our guilt at being more interested in our own development, we strove to be their "friends" and allowed them to have smartphones, computers, and $80 allowances. We paid others to teach our kids the basics in all ways...tutors, daycare, nannies. There are layers to our failure to parent, but you've hit the most important ones on the head here. It is Gen X's fault that Gen Z is lost within their trauma. I can only imagine what their Eat, Pray, Love memoirs will look like.
My kids are Millennials but have some characteristics of GenZers. My stepdaughter is the epitome of a GenZer (ironically, her father is a Baby Boomer!) I agree with your generalities and the notion of taking responsibility rather than laying blame. But ... how? Telling them to stop complaining and get to work on time isn't going to work.
There's a lot of truth here, but I generally hate generalities :)
I'm Gen X (1969!) and there's a lot of truth to the cynicism. I had a single mom (never married) and was sort of a latchkey kid, but I had my grandparents and my friends and I played on the street and had a lot of freedom growing up. Now, I have 2 millennial and 3 Gen Z (5 year gap). Yes, I was too much a helicopter parent, but not as bad as many. It's my younger millennial who has all the issues with working full-time and doing "Extra" work to get ahead. She's obsessed with "work-life balance" and she goes to a therapist and is on far too many prescribed drugs. My Gen Z are doing pretty well. State college on scholarship, no loans, one graduated and got a great paying job (software engineer) and one is about to graduate and already has a job lined up (teaching). Youngest in community college. They're aren't perfect, but they are certainly never rude to clerks, they tip well, they don't steal online entertainment (music, books, movies), and they are willing to work hard and are always on time.
I think the biggest problem is with too much social media where they perceive the world a lot differently than I did (do.)
I too am 1969. I’ve got two Gen Zs and two Alphas. It is so different for Alphas than the Zs in terms of screens and on kind access at such a young age. Harder and harder to keep them away…
True, though I know a LOT of parents who aren't giving their Alphas phones or iPads. My oldest (30) has a new baby and isn't letting him have any screen time. My son (22) has already said his kids won't have phones or iPads -- and he's the math/computer expert. It's hard now because so many schools have computers and iPads as a major part of learning. My daughter (21) is student teaching this year and in 3rd grade half the kids have phones (and it's a Title 1 school!!!) -- my kids didn't have phones until they were 13. I don't think there's an easy solution to all this -- but Z's seem to be turning away against screens (except video games.)
Jennifer, on the keeping screens from kids topic, it's SOOOOOO important and so much harder now, as you know all too well. I've started educating parents on making sure their kids achieve what I call, "meat milestones" meaning they accomplish major physical tasks that are necessary for proper brain development as well as executive thinking, and then they unlock the next level of tech use. For example, until they can walk and talk, 0 screens. No TV on when they're present, no tablets or smartphones in their hands or yours if they're present. The need floor time and to be immersed in all five senses and screens keep them still for too long as well as overload visual and audio centers of the brain. If they can walk and talk, watching TV/movies/Youtube, TOGETHER an hour or so a day, family movie night, can start. Once they can throw and catch a ball, jump rope, climb a tree, write the entire alphabet and short sentences, and have a good friend, then introduce computers. how to type, code, send an email as well as browse the internet and play games on the family computer in a public space. We kept ours in the family room. Flip phones only if you think they need that for communication. Once they have established excellent study skills, opened and managed a bank account, have at least a learner's permit to drive a car, and held a job that produces income other than allowance, the Smartphone, computers in the bedroom, and/or gaming systems can enter the picture. The idea being, meet physical milestones first, then gain virtual access. Otherwise, they don't develop first the proper sensory regulation to live in the material world (which causes anxiety) and then in puberty fail to develop executive functioning (which also causes anxiety because you don't feel safe in the world if you can't formulate and act out on a plan). No screens doesn't make sense, but giving your toddler an iPad is horrific. Developing our children's brains to be able to use screens properly and even for good is a better path.
Great point! I'm gen X and don't allow my tween daughter a smart phone or social media, but all of her friends have smart phones, and many have social media. AND my daughter is obsessed with Sephora and skin care, and her skin is smooth with no blemishes, and I'm trying to explain to her that she doesn't need to buy this expensive stuff! This article makes total sense to me. If her friends are getting targeted by brands through social media influencers, and she's getting influenced by friends, then she's still a paying customer to these brands. No more. Foot down.
Parents will never take anything away from their kids due to one reason. Well maybe two.
1) they’re no longer a parent. They want to be the kids FRIEND and friends don’t say no to kids who want £80 for products. (My sister can be guilty of this but I do give her a nudge when I’m around)
2) parents seem scared of there kids now. I was scared of my mum and dad. (My mum is 50/50 Lois from Malcolm in the middle and Pamela from Gavin and Stacey) I didn’t want to be punished. So I behaved. Parents don’t seem to follow through with threats any more.
A great article and very true, as this Gen Xer will acknowledge. I would also add the Mommy Needs Wine subculture of continuing adolescence. Gen Xers were lucky have an internet-free childhood, but unlucky to have our young adulthood shaped by the internet, so no wonder we raised our children off of parenting blog posts. Remember Baby Einstein?
I don't think this was or is a Gen X problem. Sorry. This is a individual parenting problem that is also the problem of exposure to a fast paced, overly nature world thrown in the face of children who were unable to process it appropriately. My parents are Gen X, I am a younger millenial. My sister, also a younger millenial has a Gen Z child. My own are Gen A.
This is the product of a lack of oversight and allowing children to be exposed to information/activity that simply is not age appropriate. I am not blaming those parents as how would you all have known? It was new to you all as well. Regardless, I can only imagine growing up exposed to outrage at ever corner, social media exposure and adults who are also unfamiliar with the outcomes of new technologies/lifestyles would lead to this. Life isn't fair, We MUST protect and respect our disabled, elderly, children and pregnancy women etc. We go to work and do things we don't really want to but because we must and sometimes it is the moral right. If you breed a self centered generation that is high on satisfaction, vanity and LOVES to be outraged without any ability to analyze circumstance, lacks true empathy, fails to create their own rationalization etc then you have successfully raised a pack of narcissist. There is nothing to fix it now honestly. The unaffiliated Gen Z will be fine and the Gen A will swoop in and create complete chaos for Gen Z. Chances are mental health will rapidly decline even further and suicide will be legalized.
The more I think about this (my kids are 10, 8, and 3) I see a full blown lack of the type of disciplinary standards that force hard executive functioning skills into someone's brain. Throughout history kids had real expectation and responsibility. Be on time, memorize, do it right, etc. There was immediate negative feedback and very little opportunity for daydreaming, disrespect, sloppiness, etc. Free play and exploration were great, but they weren't the norm. Kids had that on the weekends and summers.
Those skills were not fund to acquire but they provided immense value during development and into adulthood. Finally getting a little money or a little freedom in your 20s felt amazing.
Today's kids have plenty of fake structure with sports and joke schools, but most of them are just thumbing through their phones all day with carte blanche resources for nourishment and entertainment. I can see why they get to their first job and hate it.
I have no idea how to instill executive functioning and responsibility into my kids without ruining the fun part of our relationship.
Rabbi I agree with you but I think our younger people will grow and become mature. For me it seems that there is too much negativity and we must hold on to hope...But at the same time I AGREE WITH YOU
Good article. I can't add much here except one of your last lines "We can't let them cancel us".
Well, hold on to your hat. The context of your article is parents and children. Here is a sobering fact. The number of young adults who after they are on their own just cancel their parents (cut off all contact) has hit somewhere around 20%. It is a true epidemic. I know personally now several older adults who have had their young adult children just cut off all contact. These were NOT abusive parents. The commonality is therapy of the young adult and the therapists helping them to get to the place of cutting out all "toxic"(overused term) people out of their lives including their parents. The parents I know going through this the pain is so deep and overwhelming that it does seem worse than having an adult child(who loves you) die. There is even a website for this called www.rejectedparents.net . Dennis Prager conservative radio host (who happens to be Jewish) stumbled across this phenomena (it did not happen to him) and he said he has never seen just hurting people in his life as parents whose young adult children have just cut them off (including grandchildren). He has asked some of these young adults what the parents did to deserve this and he got answers like, they are emotionally unavailable, they disagree with my choices. Dennis was flabbergasted and said "You cut off your parents for that?" Anyway, this all to say, be careful Gen X parents and know that even if you think "this can never happen to me" it IS quite possible that your Gen Z child will simply cut you out of their life.
Jennifer, thanks for the reply. I know you write about a lot of things but maybe if you so inclined to do so you could look into this phenomena. I think with Abigail Shrier's book coming out Bad Therapy it could be good timing to write about this since you could come at it as someone who wasn't much aware of the epidemic nature of it. The Atlantic did a piece on it about a year and a half ago.
I think it's the constant focus on being happy all the time, as opposed to say, satisfied or contented. A constant state of happiness is impossible to attain, for anyone. We are guaranteed the right to the pursuit of happiness. We should find it and accept it in its mostly fleeting moments.
Agreed! Literally impossible to be happy all the time. How would you even know you were happy if you felt that way all the time?
I love this. As a boomer who was raised by a mom who taught us "life isn't fair" and "no one likes a victim," I am dismayed by so much of what I see and hear today, like this recent report on her kids from a friend - "He quit the team because he wasn't having fun; she quit her job because she wasn't having fun and life's too short not to have fun. Oh, her student loans. No worries - she can live with us rent-free so she can pay them off."
I was just thinking about this. I've never understood the therapy, take care of myself first, trauma-drama, aspects of Gen X, even when growing up Gen X. We were all cool, having a great time, enjoying the 80s and 90s and the suddenly, in our late 20s, became complete self-care freaks hell bent on mothering the rest of the world to make sure they didn't feel any pain, especially the upper-middle class females that you mention in this essay. I think it was Tucker Carlson who said the entire world is now run in a way to make white, middle-aged, VC wives feel justified in their need to mommy everyone. Thing is, you gotta cut the apron strings to produce a healthy adult. I recall standing in a new-age bookstore a decade ago, surrounded by self-help books, 80% written by Gen X women going through a midlife crisis, 15% by self-proclaimed "gurus" of all flavors, probably only 5% of the bookstore contained something non-self-reflective. In our quest to improve ourselves, be perfect, put on our oxygen masks, we became terrible parents, ignoring our children's needs by making them fit into our schedules, our dreams, our desires. When they were too much work, we plopped them in front of the TV. To make up for our guilt at being more interested in our own development, we strove to be their "friends" and allowed them to have smartphones, computers, and $80 allowances. We paid others to teach our kids the basics in all ways...tutors, daycare, nannies. There are layers to our failure to parent, but you've hit the most important ones on the head here. It is Gen X's fault that Gen Z is lost within their trauma. I can only imagine what their Eat, Pray, Love memoirs will look like.
💯
My kids are Millennials but have some characteristics of GenZers. My stepdaughter is the epitome of a GenZer (ironically, her father is a Baby Boomer!) I agree with your generalities and the notion of taking responsibility rather than laying blame. But ... how? Telling them to stop complaining and get to work on time isn't going to work.
Bravo! Your best piece, needs to be in every paper in every town across America!
There's a lot of truth here, but I generally hate generalities :)
I'm Gen X (1969!) and there's a lot of truth to the cynicism. I had a single mom (never married) and was sort of a latchkey kid, but I had my grandparents and my friends and I played on the street and had a lot of freedom growing up. Now, I have 2 millennial and 3 Gen Z (5 year gap). Yes, I was too much a helicopter parent, but not as bad as many. It's my younger millennial who has all the issues with working full-time and doing "Extra" work to get ahead. She's obsessed with "work-life balance" and she goes to a therapist and is on far too many prescribed drugs. My Gen Z are doing pretty well. State college on scholarship, no loans, one graduated and got a great paying job (software engineer) and one is about to graduate and already has a job lined up (teaching). Youngest in community college. They're aren't perfect, but they are certainly never rude to clerks, they tip well, they don't steal online entertainment (music, books, movies), and they are willing to work hard and are always on time.
I think the biggest problem is with too much social media where they perceive the world a lot differently than I did (do.)
I too am 1969. I’ve got two Gen Zs and two Alphas. It is so different for Alphas than the Zs in terms of screens and on kind access at such a young age. Harder and harder to keep them away…
True, though I know a LOT of parents who aren't giving their Alphas phones or iPads. My oldest (30) has a new baby and isn't letting him have any screen time. My son (22) has already said his kids won't have phones or iPads -- and he's the math/computer expert. It's hard now because so many schools have computers and iPads as a major part of learning. My daughter (21) is student teaching this year and in 3rd grade half the kids have phones (and it's a Title 1 school!!!) -- my kids didn't have phones until they were 13. I don't think there's an easy solution to all this -- but Z's seem to be turning away against screens (except video games.)
Jennifer, on the keeping screens from kids topic, it's SOOOOOO important and so much harder now, as you know all too well. I've started educating parents on making sure their kids achieve what I call, "meat milestones" meaning they accomplish major physical tasks that are necessary for proper brain development as well as executive thinking, and then they unlock the next level of tech use. For example, until they can walk and talk, 0 screens. No TV on when they're present, no tablets or smartphones in their hands or yours if they're present. The need floor time and to be immersed in all five senses and screens keep them still for too long as well as overload visual and audio centers of the brain. If they can walk and talk, watching TV/movies/Youtube, TOGETHER an hour or so a day, family movie night, can start. Once they can throw and catch a ball, jump rope, climb a tree, write the entire alphabet and short sentences, and have a good friend, then introduce computers. how to type, code, send an email as well as browse the internet and play games on the family computer in a public space. We kept ours in the family room. Flip phones only if you think they need that for communication. Once they have established excellent study skills, opened and managed a bank account, have at least a learner's permit to drive a car, and held a job that produces income other than allowance, the Smartphone, computers in the bedroom, and/or gaming systems can enter the picture. The idea being, meet physical milestones first, then gain virtual access. Otherwise, they don't develop first the proper sensory regulation to live in the material world (which causes anxiety) and then in puberty fail to develop executive functioning (which also causes anxiety because you don't feel safe in the world if you can't formulate and act out on a plan). No screens doesn't make sense, but giving your toddler an iPad is horrific. Developing our children's brains to be able to use screens properly and even for good is a better path.
Boomer here. As I was reading this I couldn’t help remembering this other theory (peer influence is greater than parental influence) and wanted to tell Gen X “You don’t have to take all the blame.” --- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-matter-of-personality/202301/who-influences-teens-more-peers-or-family
Great point! I'm gen X and don't allow my tween daughter a smart phone or social media, but all of her friends have smart phones, and many have social media. AND my daughter is obsessed with Sephora and skin care, and her skin is smooth with no blemishes, and I'm trying to explain to her that she doesn't need to buy this expensive stuff! This article makes total sense to me. If her friends are getting targeted by brands through social media influencers, and she's getting influenced by friends, then she's still a paying customer to these brands. No more. Foot down.
Parents will never take anything away from their kids due to one reason. Well maybe two.
1) they’re no longer a parent. They want to be the kids FRIEND and friends don’t say no to kids who want £80 for products. (My sister can be guilty of this but I do give her a nudge when I’m around)
2) parents seem scared of there kids now. I was scared of my mum and dad. (My mum is 50/50 Lois from Malcolm in the middle and Pamela from Gavin and Stacey) I didn’t want to be punished. So I behaved. Parents don’t seem to follow through with threats any more.
Sing it sister! I loved this article - insightful, direct, funny, and somehow hopeful all at the same time.
A great article and very true, as this Gen Xer will acknowledge. I would also add the Mommy Needs Wine subculture of continuing adolescence. Gen Xers were lucky have an internet-free childhood, but unlucky to have our young adulthood shaped by the internet, so no wonder we raised our children off of parenting blog posts. Remember Baby Einstein?
Mom wine culture is a good one. Hadn’t thought of it. And yes my 23 year old Baby Einstein! Wasn’t it great?!
I don't think this was or is a Gen X problem. Sorry. This is a individual parenting problem that is also the problem of exposure to a fast paced, overly nature world thrown in the face of children who were unable to process it appropriately. My parents are Gen X, I am a younger millenial. My sister, also a younger millenial has a Gen Z child. My own are Gen A.
This is the product of a lack of oversight and allowing children to be exposed to information/activity that simply is not age appropriate. I am not blaming those parents as how would you all have known? It was new to you all as well. Regardless, I can only imagine growing up exposed to outrage at ever corner, social media exposure and adults who are also unfamiliar with the outcomes of new technologies/lifestyles would lead to this. Life isn't fair, We MUST protect and respect our disabled, elderly, children and pregnancy women etc. We go to work and do things we don't really want to but because we must and sometimes it is the moral right. If you breed a self centered generation that is high on satisfaction, vanity and LOVES to be outraged without any ability to analyze circumstance, lacks true empathy, fails to create their own rationalization etc then you have successfully raised a pack of narcissist. There is nothing to fix it now honestly. The unaffiliated Gen Z will be fine and the Gen A will swoop in and create complete chaos for Gen Z. Chances are mental health will rapidly decline even further and suicide will be legalized.
The more I think about this (my kids are 10, 8, and 3) I see a full blown lack of the type of disciplinary standards that force hard executive functioning skills into someone's brain. Throughout history kids had real expectation and responsibility. Be on time, memorize, do it right, etc. There was immediate negative feedback and very little opportunity for daydreaming, disrespect, sloppiness, etc. Free play and exploration were great, but they weren't the norm. Kids had that on the weekends and summers.
Those skills were not fund to acquire but they provided immense value during development and into adulthood. Finally getting a little money or a little freedom in your 20s felt amazing.
Today's kids have plenty of fake structure with sports and joke schools, but most of them are just thumbing through their phones all day with carte blanche resources for nourishment and entertainment. I can see why they get to their first job and hate it.
I have no idea how to instill executive functioning and responsibility into my kids without ruining the fun part of our relationship.
Did you see this today from Ann Bauer?
https://x.com/annbauerwriter/status/1750965473481466060?s=20
Rabbi I agree with you but I think our younger people will grow and become mature. For me it seems that there is too much negativity and we must hold on to hope...But at the same time I AGREE WITH YOU
Good article. I can't add much here except one of your last lines "We can't let them cancel us".
Well, hold on to your hat. The context of your article is parents and children. Here is a sobering fact. The number of young adults who after they are on their own just cancel their parents (cut off all contact) has hit somewhere around 20%. It is a true epidemic. I know personally now several older adults who have had their young adult children just cut off all contact. These were NOT abusive parents. The commonality is therapy of the young adult and the therapists helping them to get to the place of cutting out all "toxic"(overused term) people out of their lives including their parents. The parents I know going through this the pain is so deep and overwhelming that it does seem worse than having an adult child(who loves you) die. There is even a website for this called www.rejectedparents.net . Dennis Prager conservative radio host (who happens to be Jewish) stumbled across this phenomena (it did not happen to him) and he said he has never seen just hurting people in his life as parents whose young adult children have just cut them off (including grandchildren). He has asked some of these young adults what the parents did to deserve this and he got answers like, they are emotionally unavailable, they disagree with my choices. Dennis was flabbergasted and said "You cut off your parents for that?" Anyway, this all to say, be careful Gen X parents and know that even if you think "this can never happen to me" it IS quite possible that your Gen Z child will simply cut you out of their life.
Wow. I don't doubt it but how sad. I can't imagine the pain. I'd be devastated. Absolutely devastated.
Jennifer, thanks for the reply. I know you write about a lot of things but maybe if you so inclined to do so you could look into this phenomena. I think with Abigail Shrier's book coming out Bad Therapy it could be good timing to write about this since you could come at it as someone who wasn't much aware of the epidemic nature of it. The Atlantic did a piece on it about a year and a half ago.
https://archive.is/2024.01.01-194415/https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/
Yes i'm definitely gonna look into it ... thanks.
Did you see this today from Ann Bauer?
https://x.com/annbauerwriter/status/1750965473481466060?s=20
Wonderfully written.