On being a great dad

Don't forget to honor your dad and all the dads in your life this Father's Day. They deserve it. Probably. Sorry if this is triggering. Deal with it.

For a few years now we’ve seen the “opt out of Mother’s Day” emails and messages from brands. That’s in addition to the powers that be including Congress, the CDC and U.S. Department of Labor telling us that mother’s are no longer mothers they are birthing people. And women are Uterus-Havers. Or Vulva-Havers. Or, my favorite, Menstruators.

Sometimes women are even described by what they lack vs men. Non-prostate owners. I kid you not. Teen Vogue thinks we don’t even get to be defined by what we have, only what we lack. Can you imagine anything more misogynistic?

That picture, that’s a WOMAN. How about ANATOMY OF A WOMAN as the title?! There’s a vagina, a uterus, a fallopian tube, ovaries, a cervix. Yeah, that’s a woman. And I don’t need to be a biologist to say so.

Men have largely been spared from this linguistic nonsense. Not entirely. We’ve seen the affirmative body part mention of Prostate-Havers here and there (the inverse of non-prostate havers, a perfect match).

But Men’s Health Magazine retains its name of Men’s Health all while explaining to men how to sexually satisfy “a partner with a vulva.” (That’s from this year.)

I suppose Person With A Prostate’s Health doesn’t really have the same ring to it. So they get to keep “Men.”

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Women have been the locus of erasure in the gender ideology frenzy.

That said, the Mother’s Day opt out — which I started noticing in 2021 — is about something else. Something related. But different.

It’s about people being overly sensitive. And demanding the world bend to their needs. Just like the people that the U.S. Department of Labor is worried about when they call women “menstruators.” Because sometimes people who think they are men (but are actually women) menstruate. And we wouldn’t want to trigger them. We must honor their perception of self. So let’s go with a name that just erases half the population instead. Or so the Department of Labor must be thinking.

So brands are doing kind of the same with this opt out thing. We know not everyone has a mother. Or maybe you had a shitty mother. Maybe you don’t talk to your mother. So we don’t want to be triggering here so we’re letting you know you can opt out.

These brands don’t want to give up key retailing/sales opportunities which include Mother’s Day. So they’re offering an opt-out instead. Ok fine. Opt out. But honestly, are we all so sensitive that we can’t handle an email from a brand selling candles or candy because we had a less than perfect mom? Can’t we just unsubscribe? Or delete? Just seems part of the same over-sensitivity and demand to have all communication never be “triggering” or not applicable somehow. So what if it doesn’t apply to you!? Get over it.

I realize I may be insensitive here, on this point (and many others). But I’m fine being insensitive on many points right now because I think we’ve taken sensitivity to a level of derangement and only insensitive assholes like me can move the Overton window back to some reasonable place.

I have my mom still. But I’d like to think that even when I don’t anymore I won’t ask the world to bend to my needs. I’ll just ignore messaging that doesn’t apply to me. And I’m sure I’ll have a good cry on the first Mother’s Day when I don’t have a mom anymore. But goodness, everyone get a grip. The world doesn’t need to tailor every communication to your specific peccadillos and sensitivities. Grow a pair.

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Speaking of growing a pair! Father’s Day is coming. And of course it had to come. We are now being told we can opt out of this one too.

Again, I’m very lucky. My dad is still alive. He’s 82 and going strong and came to visit us recently. My husband does not have his dad anymore. My father-in-law died in October 2015 about a year after our son Oscar was born.

My husband and his dad were very close. And yet, my husband does not expect the world to stop, pausing all father-related communications, so that he may be protected from the idea that some people still have their dads.

Anyway, that was a long wind-up. I just wanted to do a little dad tribute to the great dads in my life as we round the corner to Father’s Day.

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My husband

One of my trolls likes to insult my husband for being a stay-at-home dad. Isn’t this the world we were striving for? One where people could be who they are, do what they love, set traditional expectations aside and be themselves? Not by cutting off healthy body parts but by living how they want to live. With their existing body parts.

Not according to “Wayne”!

(Note: my house is not worth $3.8 billion as “Wayne” indicates. What kind of home would that even be?? Yes, I have a very nice house. I was a corporate executive for 20 years. I was paid well. Sue me.)

According to “Wayne” my husband is a loser because he takes on all of the traditional female/mom responsibilities like carting the kids around, doing the grocery shopping, taking care of the house, planning the kids’ activities, and generally being a stay-at-home dad. Which is what he’s always wanted to be.

In addition to all of that, he also does things that I ask him to do. For me. He books my travel for all work-related and non-work related activities. He gets my shoes repaired at the cobbler. He picks up prescriptions and dry cleaning. He even makes doctor’s appointments for me if I ask him to.

He’s also fun. He plans dates for us to comedy shows and new restaurants. He plans family days at community gatherings and swimming pools. He plans vacations and holidays. And he doesn’t care at all if I’m busy working or traveling for work and he only gets a little annoyed if I’m working at home and ignoring everyone.

My husband makes our family more fun. And he makes my life easier and better. And he is always grateful that I go out and work and make our family’s everyday possible. I’m the luckiest girl in the world that I got a take 2 and I have a husband who is weird in all the ways that I like, is never jealous or insecure about me being the earner and in the spotlight (to some extent), and whose main goal in life is to make our family happy and close.

My dad

My father has never not been proud of me. And he’s never not told me how proud he is of me. It seems to me that that is one of the most important jobs a dad has. To let you know he loves you unconditionally, and is proud of who you are. Unless you’re robbing banks or something. Then he needs to hold you to a higher standard.

My dad was a hands on dad before that was really a thing. Yes, he was the bread-winner but he also came to all of my gymnastics meets (there were A LOT of them), taught me how to catch and hit a baseball, cooked soup with me on Sundays and helped me with book reports in elementary school by reading the book with me then reading my book report and providing guidance. (He usually said: Good, now say it in fewer words. Shorter is better.)

He encouraged me to think for myself. He had a little poster in his home office when I was young that said: The only thing people love more than freedom is slavery. I didn’t totally know what it meant at the time, but I thought about it a lot. And I’ve come to think whoever said it was likely correct. People love nothing more than being told what to do. The little poster was encouragement not to fall prey to such a trap.

Even when we argue, we always stay connected. I’ve never doubted how important I am to him and how much he not only loves me, but respects me. If that’s not a great dad, I don’t know what is.

Cheers to all the great dads and even the mediocre ones out there. Don’t forget dad on Father’s Day. Call him. Send him something. Make him dinner if you’re close by. Go fishing. I don’t know, do whatever you like to do with your dad.

Here’s mine:

Happy almost Father’s Day dad.