There are Downsides to Overanalyzing Every Decision as a Parent

Over-thinking and forever-debating has deleterious effects

If you were a kid growing up in the 70s and 80s like I was, you’ll recall that helicopter parenting was not a thing. In fact, we were the generation of latch-key kids left to our own devices. I wasn’t one, but I certainly knew many. And I spent many an afternoon at their houses where we were free to do, eat, watch whatever we wanted at 9 or 10 years old. We often spent the afternoons making crank calls (remember those?) and sneaking peeks at dad’s Playboy magazines, which were not so secretly hidden in the sock drawer or bedside table.

I also rode my bike around my neighborhood alone at 6. And I walked to ballet class from school on my own in the city of Philadelphia at 10. I can’t help but think that most parents today wouldn’t be ok with this stuff. We’ve all heard the stories of parents having the police called on them for allowing a child to walk a half mile alone in their neighborhood. But doing these things gave me a sense of autonomy and independence. I was scared sometimes. But doing them made me feel I could do things myself, untethered and free, without the watchful eye of my mom to guide or scold. I might get lost or fall off my bike but I picked myself up and found my way home.

To be clear, I was not a latch-key kid. My mom was always there to pick me up from whatever activity. My experience with under-parenting primarily took the form of me training for 8-10 hours a day on broken bones without interference as a teenager. And I am in no way suggesting we go back to that. That was definitely bad.

But so is over-parenting.

I’m not writing about this trend of free-range parenting. I am more interested in the trend in elite, over-educated urban and coastal circles of over-analyzing and over-thinking every decision as it pertains to our children. Which inevitably leads to the helicopter parenting.

There is a form of magical thinking on the part of this cohort — my cohort — of well-heeled but very much trying to seem laid back LA/SF/NY parents. Many seem to believe that there is, in fact, a perfect outcome for their kids — one free of pain and discomfort — if they just think long and hard enough about every course of action, no matter how insignificant. This manner of parenting suggests that, at every crossroads, there is a perfect decision, a perfect frictionless path for the child, that is possible if only the very invested parent makes just the right spreadsheet of pros and cons and spends enough time perseverating.

But that’s absurd. And impossible. And it is not a childrearing approach without costs.

Over-thinking and forever-debating has deleterious effects too — no decision or a prolonged fraught period leading up to making a decision isn’t harmless. It creates anxiety and stress in the family; if analyzing takes long enough it results in missed opportunities or missing the opportunity to be in control of the decision at all; and just believing that with enough thought all outcomes will be perfect inevitably leads to disappointment.

Lastly and most importantly, over-analyzing every decision risks raising children unable to make any decisions at all, paralyzed with the thought of perhaps making the wrong one.  If every decision is SO consequential, how can it not have a neuroses-inducing, paralyzing effect?

The fact is, in most instances, there isn’t a clear right or wrong decision. And if there is, it’s pretty obvious without over-analyzing.

Let’s start with having children. This is a highly consequential decision! Irreversible, unlike most. Thought should, of course, go into this, and if there is a strong pull towards not having them, I’d argue, you shouldn’t.

Emily Oster, the queen mom of data driven decision making, shared this on her Instagram as one of the most often asked questions she gets.

My response to this woman (not that she asked): Do it. Do it now. Sure, you will be unhappy sometimes with a baby. Guess what? You’ll be unhappy sometimes without one. That’s life. Who told you you would never be unhappy?

And if you don’t do it now, you won’t actually have the chance and the decision will be made for you. That decision will be either not to have them because, biologically, it has passed you by, or to have them in a manner that is expensive and difficult — either IVF or some other manner of assisted reproduction or even adoption. These are all beautiful options – but as the woman debates the issue of to have or have not — I’m pretty sure she’s thinking about whether or not to have them the good old-fashioned way. And the fact is, that door closes. It just does. So take the leap.

Having kids is hard. And you will be unhappy sometimes. You will also be more in love than you ever fathomed. Don’t overthink it.

Ok, now on to the rearing of said children . . .

This whole analysis/paralysis first started to bug me when my older children (now 22 and 19) were babies. I found myself amidst former professional/now stay-at-home moms who had nowhere to put all that analyzing and spreadsheeting, so they unleashed it on their childrearing, debating every last thing including:

• When do I introduce solid food?

• What food do I introduce first? If I introduce fruit before vegetables will my child never eat a vegetable?

• Do I just put the avocado on the highchair tray or do I feed her with a spoon? How will I know if she ate anything at all if I don’t feed her myself?

• Do I make my own baby food? What’s in the store bought stuff? Even the organic stuff can’t be as good as me making it myself, right? But who has the time!

Give them food at 4 months or 6 or 8. It doesn’t matter. Around the world everyone does it at different times.

Give them bananas or peas or Pirates Booty or ground beef or hummus. Make it yourself or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Just don’t let your baby starve.

And for the love of God, the mere fact of debating each of these incessantly instills a culture in the family — and ultimately in the child — that every decision is of such monumental importance that you better make the right one, and please do not make the wrong one or your child might never eat a vegetable!!

AND, putting the child at the center of everything is not good either. Nap time was another fraught topic. For many, a child’s nap time was sacred. The entire family halted any and all activity to ensure the nap conditions were met.

If Chloe’s nap time was 1:00 everything shut down at 1:00. Mom had to be home, Chloe in her crib, room dark, every single day.

Well, this isn’t always feasible. Can’t Chloe skip a nap or fall asleep in the stroller one day if mom has something she needs or just wants to do?  

Revolving the entire family’s scheduling around the child’s optimal sleep schedule teaches the child that they always come first in every situation. And they don’t. You’ll raise a self-centered little jerk, I’m wagering, if that is the approach that is infused into the family’s scheduling choices.

Ok, now on to the educating . . .

One of the most infuriating things done by my elite cohort in San Francisco was the whole private school entry process. The tutors and essay writers and consultants. Goodness! Taking this approach to getting a child into middle school leads directly to the Rick Singer/college admissions scandal path.

I’m not saying don’t find your kid a school that meets her needs. But just think about it a little less. If a child needs 3 tutors and a ghost essay writer to get into whatever school the parent thinks is most desirable, perhaps that isn’t the right school for the child after all? Because she didn’t get in, her tutors and essay writer did.

My boys went to the closest public elementary school. They did fine. They walked there alone starting at about 9-years-old. I was nervous but they did it. And they felt accomplished in having done so.

A colleague at work once told me she wouldn’t send her dog to the elementary school my kids attended. Which begs the question: “What’s so special about your dog?”

---

When I applied to college I picked three, got into two, picked one. I don’t recall even discussing any of it with my parents. If I had chosen the wrong one — and to be clear, there are many wrong ones and many right ones — I’d have transferred, I guess. Or finished and not liked it. So? Is that so awful? To not like college?

My college graduation in 1992

When my older kids were applying to college, I told them pick five, but only five you would actually want to go to. Apply. Let me know if you want me to look over an essay. And I’ll pay the application fee. No tutors. No consultants. No applying to 25 schools. It was fine. And now they know how to do this shit on their own.

My oldest child graduating from high school, 2018

---

I think the helicoptering comes from this idea that there is a world in which we can ensure our children experience no hardship, no discomfort, no disappointment. Have you ever met such a person? If you have I’m sure they are very boring.

Stopping the helicoptering isn’t enough. Parents need to stop thinking that they can create a perfect existence for their children and that, if they could, that that would be a good thing. It’s a disservice to the child. And to the family as a whole.

Think about it all a little less. Don’t even read the parenting books! They lead to more perseverating because they all say different stuff.

Let your kid do more. Let them screw up. And then let them fix it. Make sure they know you’re always there and always love them. Almost no decision is permanent. Mistakes can and will be made in life. There is almost always room to iterate, improve, change course.

And know you’ll make mistakes as a parent just by being yourself. If your kid doesn’t scream at you that they hate you at some point, it’s not normal.

Let go. Embrace not knowing the outcome. Embrace the imperfect outcome!

And remember, the longest and most sustained relationship you will have with your child is with them as an adult. Create the conditions and space for that child to become an actual adult capable of making decisions. And enduring discomfort. And experiencing joy.