It's easy to bet this article just poured out of you. It flows like liquid gold. My experience both as a child and of child rearing was similar to yours. I would add that no matter how well you think you are parenting, life will challenge you in unpredictable ways. You will not always do the thing you wished you had. For that, apologies, communication and trust go a long way. But never forget, your child is their own person from the start! That's what makes them one in a gazillion. So just when you think you got it right with the first one and have it all figured out, the second one will prove you don't.
oh yes, agreed. just when i'm a little bit confident shit goes wrong. but that's ok. it's inevitable in some sense. stuff always goes wrong. there is suffering and challenge and that is normal.
I just wrote a lengthy response and my phone ate it 🤬 Great piece Jennifer. I grew up in Communist central Europe and played in fields that had unexploded WW2 ordinance in them. We roamed free at 10 and smoked cigarettes at 13 (!) Our parents were too busy navigating work and staying out of the crosshairs of the "Party". Today we are retired professionals who have all had successful professional and academic careers. Children need only two things: food and love. Lots and lots of unconditional love.
One other thing: I was a father at 28 and a grandfather at 53. We didn't overthink any of the current "problems". We just lived life. My oldest (41) has three kids and expecting a 4th, plus cats and a huge German shepherd. Also a successful professional career as a labor/delivery nurse, a doula and a columnist for a maternity magazine. Live your life. Love your kids. The end.
From the hilarious walk down crank caller alley...”Your poodle is in my backyard!”...to my 16 year old daughter telling me she “hates me, I’m ruining her life (because I called Austyn’s mom and low and behold she thought they were sleeping at my house that night!) and demanding that I “get out of HER room”...to seeing your son’s graduation photo and he’s wearing a formal suit jacket with such style and natural ease...you, my friend, are doing it right. Thank you for writing this, it was a complete pleasure to read and experience. ❤️
I learned the experts knew nothing during labor. That knowledge informed me all the way up to the moment the kid left for college. As the least-maternal-seeming woman anyone might ever encounter, and with abysmal role models to look towards, I was astounded to discover I had everything I needed right inside.
I didn't want children until I did, and then I wanted a child very badly. Instinct will show you the way. I'm fortunate beyond words my instincts kicked in just in time.
There's before becoming a parent, and after. You discover your true nature, for good or ill.
This Plague Era has shown me that for far too many of the people you'd consider (or used to consider) your peers, their children are merely lifestyle accessories.
Few of us are ever called on to die for our kids; needing to throw oneself in front of a saber-tooth tiger is kind of a one-in-a-trillion thing.
But keeping silent in front of one's PTA chums lest they think you're *one of them*--liberal moms have failed so badly it takes the breath away. And their friends continue to defend that failure even when holding everyone else to account. That tribalism runs so deep it's gone to China and back.
I had no guidance nor parents that ever knew where I was growing up. Neither parent made me do school work, so I didn't. Made lots of mistakes and figured a way to correct them. Gained a little wisdom with each correction. Forced academics on my daughter, since i was pissed I had none. Have made multiple apologies to her, and she's informed me she's grateful for my academic guidance. Currently a true believer that you need to give your child the dignity of figuring things out for themselves. We called them prank phone calls, love that you made them too.
Great advice. I wish I had spent less time worrying about stuff when my kids were little. And, I spent almost no time COMPARED to other parents. Now, I'm working on spending less time worrying about them as young adults and teenagers. We are only one influence of many in our children's lives. The most important thing we can give them is love and support and some semblance of a moral compass.
Whether you helicopter or not, keep children away from the "Gender Unicorn!" Make sure you give your son or daughter solid grounding in their own sexed body. Protect them from too early sexuality exposure. Free play with blocks and natural materials are the best experiences, and let yourself be invited into that world. The Dutch protocols studies falsely reporting positive outcomes (de Vries, 2014) have been thoroughly debunked at Colin Wright's Reality's Last Stand substack. (realityslaststand.substack.com)
"I can’t help but think that most parents today wouldn’t be ok with this stuff. We’ve all heard the stories of parents having the police called on them for allowing a child to walk a half mile alone in their neighborhood." - When many are fearful that a child "might" suffer some harm, low risk as that might be, that fear turns into laws and policies and grows agencies designed to prevent such harm ever takes place (along with plenty of watchful people to call it in to the "authorities"). As well presented as your piece is, Jennifer, and it IS FABULOUS, we'd have to ensure that every parent and would-be parent in the USA read it AND understood it, then adjusted behavior in recognition of the points made, for us all to breathe a sigh of relief. I hope everyone does read and adjust. Until then, ParentsUSA will try to stop the overreaction from LEO, prosecutors, judges, and CPS case workers, a tall task, too, but one we think is attainable. Keep doing what you do and do so well.
I feel very lucky that my kids never yelled that they hated me. Then again, neither my husband nor I behaved that way toward our parents. Genetics is more of a thing that we think it is.
I had a rough introduction to parenthood. When I was four months pregnant with our oldest daughter, I learned that she had a severe heart defect; we were offered abortion, but we just couldn't. And since she never came home from hospital, the only thing we could do was fight for her best chances at each step of the way (we lost her at four and half months old). We didn't get the same chances for bonding as most parents, so my grief process was long and often unexpected.
The one thing I did know was that if we had other children, I could NOT make them suffer the results of overprotection because of losing their sister.
When our oldest son was born--seemingly healthy--I silently waited for the other shoe to drop (which it finally did when he was diagnosed with mild hemophilia B as a toddler). But there were other problems I had no idea how to deal with at the time. I had a feeling that his baby behavior was not normal, but since I had never been the full-time caretaker of a baby before, I had nothing certain to go by until his younger brother was born. And it was only when he was diagnosed with ADHD (I now suspect there was also some high-function autism in the mix) at age 4 that I finally had proof that he had *never* been neurotypical.
Meanwhile, EVERYONE had criticized my parenting: our oldest son was clearly not "disciplined very well," since he behaved so "badly." Even my husband would say, "We need to discipline him better," (meaning, of course, that *I* needed to discipline him better, despite the fact that I had tried every not-outright-abusive discipline method known). It was a relief--after his ADHD diagnosis--to be able to think (if not necessarily say) that the critics were full of shit: they hadn't the first clue what we were dealing with.
But in spite of that rough beginning, my husband and I clung to one central guiding principle of parenthood: We were raising future adults. We needed to equipment them with the very basic skills they would need to thrive as adults--knowing how to clean up after themselves, knowing how to feed themselves, knowing how to navigate various systems.
Now our sons are both gainfully employed and married (the oldest and his wife are expecting a child of their own). Our youngest daughter is likewise employed and has been living as an independent adult for a couple of years. Each had brief young-adult stints at returning home, with the expectation of being responsible household members (and they were).
They don't approach everything the same way we do. While it's tempting to feel like that's a failure of some kind, the reality is that they have learned to be genuinely independent--something we ourselves were proud of being at that age. That's a win.
It's easy to bet this article just poured out of you. It flows like liquid gold. My experience both as a child and of child rearing was similar to yours. I would add that no matter how well you think you are parenting, life will challenge you in unpredictable ways. You will not always do the thing you wished you had. For that, apologies, communication and trust go a long way. But never forget, your child is their own person from the start! That's what makes them one in a gazillion. So just when you think you got it right with the first one and have it all figured out, the second one will prove you don't.
oh yes, agreed. just when i'm a little bit confident shit goes wrong. but that's ok. it's inevitable in some sense. stuff always goes wrong. there is suffering and challenge and that is normal.
I just wrote a lengthy response and my phone ate it 🤬 Great piece Jennifer. I grew up in Communist central Europe and played in fields that had unexploded WW2 ordinance in them. We roamed free at 10 and smoked cigarettes at 13 (!) Our parents were too busy navigating work and staying out of the crosshairs of the "Party". Today we are retired professionals who have all had successful professional and academic careers. Children need only two things: food and love. Lots and lots of unconditional love.
One other thing: I was a father at 28 and a grandfather at 53. We didn't overthink any of the current "problems". We just lived life. My oldest (41) has three kids and expecting a 4th, plus cats and a huge German shepherd. Also a successful professional career as a labor/delivery nurse, a doula and a columnist for a maternity magazine. Live your life. Love your kids. The end.
From the hilarious walk down crank caller alley...”Your poodle is in my backyard!”...to my 16 year old daughter telling me she “hates me, I’m ruining her life (because I called Austyn’s mom and low and behold she thought they were sleeping at my house that night!) and demanding that I “get out of HER room”...to seeing your son’s graduation photo and he’s wearing a formal suit jacket with such style and natural ease...you, my friend, are doing it right. Thank you for writing this, it was a complete pleasure to read and experience. ❤️
I learned the experts knew nothing during labor. That knowledge informed me all the way up to the moment the kid left for college. As the least-maternal-seeming woman anyone might ever encounter, and with abysmal role models to look towards, I was astounded to discover I had everything I needed right inside.
I didn't want children until I did, and then I wanted a child very badly. Instinct will show you the way. I'm fortunate beyond words my instincts kicked in just in time.
There's before becoming a parent, and after. You discover your true nature, for good or ill.
yes agreed. i tell people you know nothing and everything all at once. you'll do just fine.
This Plague Era has shown me that for far too many of the people you'd consider (or used to consider) your peers, their children are merely lifestyle accessories.
Few of us are ever called on to die for our kids; needing to throw oneself in front of a saber-tooth tiger is kind of a one-in-a-trillion thing.
But keeping silent in front of one's PTA chums lest they think you're *one of them*--liberal moms have failed so badly it takes the breath away. And their friends continue to defend that failure even when holding everyone else to account. That tribalism runs so deep it's gone to China and back.
I had no guidance nor parents that ever knew where I was growing up. Neither parent made me do school work, so I didn't. Made lots of mistakes and figured a way to correct them. Gained a little wisdom with each correction. Forced academics on my daughter, since i was pissed I had none. Have made multiple apologies to her, and she's informed me she's grateful for my academic guidance. Currently a true believer that you need to give your child the dignity of figuring things out for themselves. We called them prank phone calls, love that you made them too.
Great advice. I wish I had spent less time worrying about stuff when my kids were little. And, I spent almost no time COMPARED to other parents. Now, I'm working on spending less time worrying about them as young adults and teenagers. We are only one influence of many in our children's lives. The most important thing we can give them is love and support and some semblance of a moral compass.
Whether you helicopter or not, keep children away from the "Gender Unicorn!" Make sure you give your son or daughter solid grounding in their own sexed body. Protect them from too early sexuality exposure. Free play with blocks and natural materials are the best experiences, and let yourself be invited into that world. The Dutch protocols studies falsely reporting positive outcomes (de Vries, 2014) have been thoroughly debunked at Colin Wright's Reality's Last Stand substack. (realityslaststand.substack.com)
uteheggengrassidow.wordpress.com
"I can’t help but think that most parents today wouldn’t be ok with this stuff. We’ve all heard the stories of parents having the police called on them for allowing a child to walk a half mile alone in their neighborhood." - When many are fearful that a child "might" suffer some harm, low risk as that might be, that fear turns into laws and policies and grows agencies designed to prevent such harm ever takes place (along with plenty of watchful people to call it in to the "authorities"). As well presented as your piece is, Jennifer, and it IS FABULOUS, we'd have to ensure that every parent and would-be parent in the USA read it AND understood it, then adjusted behavior in recognition of the points made, for us all to breathe a sigh of relief. I hope everyone does read and adjust. Until then, ParentsUSA will try to stop the overreaction from LEO, prosecutors, judges, and CPS case workers, a tall task, too, but one we think is attainable. Keep doing what you do and do so well.
I feel very lucky that my kids never yelled that they hated me. Then again, neither my husband nor I behaved that way toward our parents. Genetics is more of a thing that we think it is.
I had a rough introduction to parenthood. When I was four months pregnant with our oldest daughter, I learned that she had a severe heart defect; we were offered abortion, but we just couldn't. And since she never came home from hospital, the only thing we could do was fight for her best chances at each step of the way (we lost her at four and half months old). We didn't get the same chances for bonding as most parents, so my grief process was long and often unexpected.
The one thing I did know was that if we had other children, I could NOT make them suffer the results of overprotection because of losing their sister.
When our oldest son was born--seemingly healthy--I silently waited for the other shoe to drop (which it finally did when he was diagnosed with mild hemophilia B as a toddler). But there were other problems I had no idea how to deal with at the time. I had a feeling that his baby behavior was not normal, but since I had never been the full-time caretaker of a baby before, I had nothing certain to go by until his younger brother was born. And it was only when he was diagnosed with ADHD (I now suspect there was also some high-function autism in the mix) at age 4 that I finally had proof that he had *never* been neurotypical.
Meanwhile, EVERYONE had criticized my parenting: our oldest son was clearly not "disciplined very well," since he behaved so "badly." Even my husband would say, "We need to discipline him better," (meaning, of course, that *I* needed to discipline him better, despite the fact that I had tried every not-outright-abusive discipline method known). It was a relief--after his ADHD diagnosis--to be able to think (if not necessarily say) that the critics were full of shit: they hadn't the first clue what we were dealing with.
But in spite of that rough beginning, my husband and I clung to one central guiding principle of parenthood: We were raising future adults. We needed to equipment them with the very basic skills they would need to thrive as adults--knowing how to clean up after themselves, knowing how to feed themselves, knowing how to navigate various systems.
Now our sons are both gainfully employed and married (the oldest and his wife are expecting a child of their own). Our youngest daughter is likewise employed and has been living as an independent adult for a couple of years. Each had brief young-adult stints at returning home, with the expectation of being responsible household members (and they were).
They don't approach everything the same way we do. While it's tempting to feel like that's a failure of some kind, the reality is that they have learned to be genuinely independent--something we ourselves were proud of being at that age. That's a win.