Why can't soccer parents just be normal?

I hate "everybody gets a medal" but I think I hate it when parents scream at their 10-year-olds to "get it together" even more.

I spent the weekend watching youth soccer. Both of my younger kids play. My son is 10 and very dedicated and plays in the Colorado Rapids junior elite program. It’s not a recreational league. It’s competitive. Some kids make the team, others don’t. There are various tiers and all the kids are striving to get to the next one.

My daughter is 8 and is just moving beyond recreational soccer now. She’s very aggressive in all things (is this payback of some sort, Dad?) and just mows other girls down on the field. What she lacks in skill, she more than makes up for in sheer beast mode. For now. Obviously she’ll need to develop some actual skills to progress but an aggressive 8-year-old girl has a significant advantage on the field.

My son Oscar is almost the opposite. Very skilled. Plans every play. Never rushes in. His play is elegant rather than attacking. He works hard, loves skill building, never met a training session he didn’t like. He sets his alarm clock in the morning to do a strength training on his own before school. The kid has discipline. No idea where he got it from. (Joke.)

Ruth, my daughter, on the other hand — is downright hawkish on the field. She isn’t a fan of skill-building, but is starting to enjoy getting better. But mostly, Ruth just wants to terrorize the other girls on the field. Whether she is in goal — which she likes, and doesn’t mind putting her whole body into blocking the ball — or playing striker — she just goes hard. No regard for whether or not she knows what she’s doing. And she doesn’t. Not really. Not yet.

Anyway, my point is not about the kids. I’m glad they play soccer. It’s a cool sport. It may be one of the only — the only? — sports where there isn’t a specific body type necessary. In gymnastics, as a girl, if you get to be over 5’2” you’re kind of toast. In every other sport you’d better be at least 6’ as a guy and 5’10” as a girl for any hope of success. Tennis, swimming, volleyball — height always makes a difference and provides significant advantage. No longer is basketball the only sport where wingspan makes a difference.

My point, though, is not about the kids. It is about the parents. I can hardly bear it. I end up standing far away from the other parents because I can’t listen to them. (And then I get accused of being a snob. Oh well. I’m really just an introvert and misanthrope.)

Look, I hate everybody gets a medal. But why is there nothing in between everybody gets a medal and total psychopaths screaming at their kids to get it together and get in position, what are you doing Oliver?! and shouting at the refs for every call? At a 10-year-old (yes, very competitive league) soccer game?

Why can’t people just be normal?

It’s a tough line to walk as a parent. I get it. You want your kids to know you support them and want them to be the best that they can be. You drive them around (my husband does that, mostly, while I work to pay for it, but I do some of it — I accept my assignments willingly), you ask them how they feel before a game and help get them focused, you make them high protein meals and bring the water, you provide counsel about getting up when they fail and continuing to work hard and try hard, you support them afterwards whether they played their best. Or their worst. Because they ALSO have to know that their value is not in their athletic performance. That you love them no matter what. It’s harder than it may seem.

And for parents that put a ton into their kids’ athletic careers, they can get too involved. Even seemingly normal parents. My own parents flipped out when I quit gymnastics and they were the normal ones at every meet. But they organized their lives around my sport, my training and then I was done (really, really done) and it was like: What? What do you mean you’re done? There is an Olympics on the horizon! You’ll regret it! What is one more year? Well, one more year when you are anorexic, training on a broken ankle, training 8 hours a day with abusive coaches, and fraying — emotionally speaking — at the seams, is an eternity. We sorted it all. We’re good. More than good. But I get it. They gave up a ton for me to train the way I did. And then I was done. And they weren’t quite there yet. (I love you mom and dad.)

But I was an elite gymnast. I was a national champion and 7 time National Team member. The Olympics was a distinct and very real possibility. If the Olympics had been in 1985, 1986 or 1987, I would have been on that team. It’s not fantasy for my parents and for me to have thought an Olympic berth was at stake.

And now, I sit there on the sidelines at the soccer game and I’m thinking (sorry if this is harsh) the chance of your kid playing in college let alone making a national team and going to the World Cup or an Olympics is like almost zero. So relax a little, why don’t you? Enjoy it. The weather is beautiful, the kids are having fun. Enjoy!

Here are the actual odds, according to Grok:

• Starting with 3 million youth players in the U.S., assume ~100,000 are in competitive clubs by age 14-18 (3.3%).

• Of those, ~1,000 might be scouted for elite programs (1%).

• About 50-100 might make a youth national team (5-10% of elite players).

• From there, ~5-10 players might reach the senior national team (5-10% of youth national team players).

• This yields odds of roughly 1 in 300,000 to 1 in 600,000 for a youth player to make the senior national team, or ~0.00017% to 0.00033%.

So yeah, literally almost zero.

I’ve seen kids take junior championship titles then quit. Or burn out by the time it mattered. A kid who is in the third tier of the elite junior soccer program in Colorado is good but lets not put our eggs in any baskets, mom and dad. Chill. Relax. Stop screaming at your kid to get in there, what are you doing Asher or Thomas or Bronson!?? and stop screaming at the refs that their calls are atrocious and they have no idea what they’re doing!

C’mon. Just be normal.

For fun, here’s Oscar with a super fun move. This brings me joy, not because he can do it but because he looks so happy afterwards and so do his teammates. Love it.